Some humor to entertain you....

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Arthur Davidson Goes To Heaven

Arthur Davidson of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corp, dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, an angel tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God himself."

The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Arthur to the throne room and introduces him to God...

Arthur asks God, "Hey aren't you the inventor of the woman??"

God says, "Yes."

"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
   1. There's too much front protrusion
   2. It chatters at high speeds
   3 The rear end wobbles too much, and
   4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm..." replies God. "Hold on."

God goes to his celestial supercomputer, types in a few lines and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur. "But according to my computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."
A  biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike serviced. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
 
On the way home he stopped at  the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the  feed/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a  goose.
However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his  purchases home.
 
The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,  carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose  in your other hand?
"Hey  thanks", the biker said, and out the door he  went.
 
But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady  who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603  Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616  Mockingbird Lane.
Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be  there in no time."
 
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I  am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we  get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and  ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an  anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you  up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose  down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll  hold the  chickens."

Happily Married Biker

Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused,  Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Just Say NO!

A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking.  The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!

Drunk Biker

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy biker bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw one of the bikers stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, & try his keys on five different bikes before he found his. Then, sat on the bike fumbling around several minutes, looking as if he might pass out right there. Everyone left the bar and rode off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the biker, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The biker  replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

It's A Small World.....

A biker walks into a bar and sits next to another biker.

First biker - Hey, I'm Jimmy.
Second biker - I'm Brian
 

First biker - Where are you from?
Second biker - I'm from Long Island.
 

First biker - HEY, I'm from Long Island too! What part?
Second biker - Riverhead
 

First biker - WOW! I'm from riverhead too!! I live on the cul-de-sac
Second biker - MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!! I live in the cul-de-sac too!!!
 

First biker - Dude, this is getting scary. I live in the red house, next to the Wilsons
Second biker - NO FREAKIN WAY MAN!! HOW CAN THIS BE?!?!? I LIVE THERE TOO!!!
 

BARTENDER - OH, here we go again, the O'Connor brothers are so drunk, they don't recognize each other.

The Moped

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says,

"You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !" The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?"

A down-on-his-luck ventriloquist got hired by a biker bar to do his act between the house band's sets while the musicians were taking their breaks. He decided to tailor his act to his audience, and did a number of bits where bikers were the targets of the punch lines, always delivered by his dummy.

After about 9 or 10 of such jokes, a large, mean-looking and obviously drunken biker stood up from his table, kicked his chair across the room, and angrily strode to the stage.

"Mishter, he slurred, "I'm really tired of th' way you treat bikersh like we're some kinda ignernt buffoons. Well, we ain't. We're regular folks, who work hard and play hard. And we're jusht as schmart as the next feller."

The ventriloquist, in fear of life and limb, opened his mouth to make a quick apology, "Sir, I..."

"You schtay outta this, buddy!" the biker interrupted him. "I'm talkin' to that lil' dude what's sittin' on your lap

On a late fall evening, Animal was over at a friend's garage wrenching his shovelhead until 3 in the morning. On the ride home the temps had dropped into the low 30s and a light snow had started to fall. As there was no one on the roads, and he was cold, Animal hit the throttle to get home quicker.

As he crossed over a bridge, he saw flashing lights in the mirror as a cruiser pulled him over. No amount of pleading could sway the cop from writing the speeding ticket.

During the process, the cop asked Animal where he was coming from and Animal replied, "I just got off work at the hospital." The cop looked at him suspiciously and asked, "What do you do at the Hospital?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," came the reply. "A rectum stretcher? What the hell is a rectum stretcher?" "Well," said Animal, "sometimes people have a defect where their rectum is too small and it can cause pain so I have some special instruments that can be used to stretch them out. I can even stretch them up to 6 feet." "Six feet?" said the cop, "What would anyone do with a six foot A-hole."

"Give him a badge and put him under a bridge," came the reply.

A Southern biker was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.

The biker took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

Hotel Bill

A biker and his wife are traveling on their Harleys from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and decided to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The biker explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the biker insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the biker and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the biker complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the biker again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the biker replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the biker gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the biker. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the biker replied, "she was here, and you could have!"

 

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